Sunday, September 18, 2011

Scared!!

I would love to say that I am not scared of anything.

But that is oh so not true.

I am struggling lately with a fear that seems so silly, yet seems so real when it grips me.

I have been reading Angie Smith's book What Women Fear and it has gotten me thinking. I bought the book when my sister and I went to a Selah concert in Montgomery and Angie spoke. I initially thought it would be a good read, but I didn't really need it because I didn't suffer from fear. Before I even cracked the cover, I sat and thought about what I fear and honestly couldn't come up with any.

As I read the chapters in the book though, I realized that fear does not have to show itself in shaky hands, tears, or hiding under the covers because I am scared.

Page 68 of the book holds a quote that struck me to my very core when I read it.

"Sometimes the fear of failure steals the beauty we were meant to create."

How many times have I stopped myself from trying something because I have thoughts of failure?
Oh my goodness...you guys would be so disappointed in me if I actually listed how many times I have done this. I have been praying about this in my life since reading this book and I have been really begging God to not let me miss opportunities He has for me because of fear.

After all, "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

So as I was praying for this in my quiet times and throughout my days, I found myself thankful for opportunities that made me uncomfortable, because I felt like God was asking me to trust Him in these small feats at the beginning of this quest He put me on. It was a sweet time as I could feel God guiding me (and I was actually following! :) )

Then, Tropical Depression Lee came through my town on the night of September 5th. And in the process, dropped a tree on my house. It was by the grace of God (literally...I mean that... I am not using it as an expression) that there was not a hole in my house.

This is the top of the tree laying right at my front door.

This is the window at the front of the house where the rest of the top of the tree was...literally, the tree couldn't have been ANY longer without coming through the glass front door or this window.

Anyway, a tree fell on our house and as you can see in the first two pictures, it was dark outside. I was almost in that deep sleep where nothing wakes me up...and I heard it. Scared me to my very core because I did not know where it was in relation to my kids. I jumped up and went looking for a hole in my house. I couldn't find one and I started to relax and then I opened the front door.

I screamed when I saw the tree because I couldn't believe how close we had come to having a tree in our foyer. Mark remained relatively calm. That should have been my first sign that something was not right! :)

I noticed as I went back to check on my kids that my hands were shaking. I thanked God for keeping that tree from growing even an inch longer and for snapping it off at just the right place for it to not do serious damage to our house. Or my kids. Or me. Or Mark. I just hadn't been expecting that. If we are under a tornado watch, I am a Weather Channel stalker making sure that at the exact time when the watch turns to a warning we go to the basement in our safe place. I don't mess around with weather. I hadn't been concerned with Lee though so I had not been on patrol like I normally am. Something to ponder...

I went back to bed but found sleep would not come. Not until I realized that the wind had died down and it was just rain I was hearing on my roof.

I haven't slept well since the 5th. And just the other night, I figured out why. I was sleeping soundly on Tuesday night when I woke up with a start. I was shaking, my palms were sweaty and fear gripped my belly. It took me a second to realize why...the wind was blowing again...hard enough to be moving leaves and other debris outside on the driveway...the noise was not loud, but it felt deafening in my ears.

I got up. Looked out of my window and watched the trees...was one going to snap? I didn't know but I couldn't go back to sleep. I couldn't relax. I wanted to cry...I decided I want to move somewhere where there is no wind. Anyone know a place like that?

I have found myself watching the weather channel every night before I go to sleep to determine what the wind gusts will be that night. I wake up five and six times a night to check outside and watch the trees for a while. I am tired. I am afraid. And until Saturday morning, I was confused. What was happening to me?

Then I read all the twitter messages I missed while I was (not) sleeping. Max Lucado quoted this: "The spirit of fear really is a spirit. If you don't face it, it will chase you the rest of your life." j. Siebert

God did not give me a spirit of fear, but the evil one would love nothing more than to torment me with a fear of falling trees. A fear of falling trees...that even looks ridiculous when I write it. Some people fear snakes and spiders and I fear falling trees.

But in my mind it is real. And when I sleep, at those times when I am not alert enough to pray for myself, that spirit of fear creeps in and torments me --with my oh so common fear of falling trees. It has wreaked havoc on life this week and I am determined to make it stop.

There will likely be a battle this week right around my house. I plan to cover my house, my mind and my sleep in prayer and then I will go to bed claiming Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

I will keep you posted....


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3 comments:

  1. Yikes! So glad the tree didn't hit the house!

    We had some family come down for the boys' birthday party and they weren't even here 24hrs and they were scared and left! They spent the night in a condo on the beach and woke up the next morning telling me they were going home b/c they didn't get any sleep and they were terrified. We had wind gusts 45-50, but nothing major. I guess we're used to it though.

    Glad y'all are okay! :)

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  2. Oh Paige! I am so glad the tree didn't do any damage but wow, that must have been so incredibly frightening. I don't think I would be sleeping much better than you! =(

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  3. I thought I left a comment here the other day...don't know what happened to it. I guess I am blogger challenged!!! Anyway, I thought this was a great post, and I wanted to add a verse to help with sleeping. Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will lie down and sleep for you along, O LORD, will keep me safe." Try putting some scripture on your ipod and fall asleep listening to it.

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